8/17/11

"what would it take for things to be quiet? quiet, like the snow. and i know this isn't much, but  i know, i could, i could be better. i don't think i deserve it. selflessness. find your way into my heart. all stars could be brighter. all hearts could be warmer."

Dear world,

Why is it that when things finally get better or even a tad bit better it ends up ten times worst than it originally was in the first place. like what do i have to do to actually get something good to last. i mean yeah i guess i blame myself for all the things ive missed out on....and ruined....it has always been my fault....i don't try to ruin things...it just sort of happens. and im not gonna lie i wish i could punch myself for what i do to ruin everything. i do it without even trying...thats how skilled in the art of ruining things, i am. its like a freakin hobby for me. ugh. a bad bad habit...that i want to get rid of! seriously!

today has been a really really truly terrible day for me. you don't even care, most likely so just stop reading now because all im going to do is rant about how terrible my life is..yada yada yada ya... well i got to school super early! yuck! i thought the traffic was going to be terrible like it was tuesday but noooo it wasn't :O so i got to school at like 8:16...school doesn't even start till like 8:35ish. idk. all i know is that i was early. then i went to my first class..downstairs for forensics....btw im the only non senior in that class....holy awkwardness. i don't know like anybody but maybe one person because they live near me...but that's it. so it sucks and i hate it. and then my second period class is english....its actually pretty decent...boring..but decent. then i go back downstairs again for chemistry...and that class is fun haha we laugh alot so it keeps me in a decent mood....then i go back upstairs for history...i wish i could switch out...it's soooo awkward sitting next to a person that doesn't even acknowledge your their (well chooses to not acknowledge you anyway)...because i mean i guess we "talked" over summer...but idk. oh well. then i have freaking lunch..so history is split....okay i hate having lunch at like 12:45 or whatever...my stomach is already growling in 2nd period...its hard to last allllll that time. anyways for lunch.....there  is NOONE. only freshman. seriously? you have got to be kidding me. this is already sucking alot....why not make it suck even more by having all freshman in my lunch....theres like nobody i know...i sit with like 3 people...lol i'm such a loner. i need friends. anyways i go back to history...still being ignored and ish and it starts to piss me the poop off...so i bolt out of the classroom trying to catch up with the ignorer but their long gone downstairs...what the poop? anyways then i go to tv video production 1 (even though i took it last year!!! the school had nothing else to give me and didn't want to give me early out...those bastards). so i just sit there and im like the teacher's assistant...it sucks! but after that class is over i like run to my car....my escape from hell. and then i have to drive out of hell into another hell...the other side of the school hahaha but its more like heaven.....kinda because i have no classes over there and the gym and soccer field is over there. ha. but i go to the gym and you know get ready for volleyball and all and i am doing great and then it's like 6 and practice doesn't get out till 6:30 and i was just like getting super duper annoyed at everything. i was tired. every muscle in my body hurt. i jammed my finger. and all i could think about was my ignorer and how they just make it look easy to not acknowledge me. trust me. it pisses you off. where you just want to throw your pencil at them...i contemplated it twice...don't judge me. haha i also wrote two notes...but i didn't have the balls to give it to them...oh well. anyways i made a really terrible play at practice and i couldn't take it....i couldn't get over it...i had so much on my mind and i was so pissed i had to walk it off...so of course my coach yelled at me....and louded me out..i deserved it..i shouldn't let frustrations get to me on the court...im better than that. but now im pissed cause i know...my playing time is  at a zero for the way i acted today...which doesn't make me happy at all. more sad and pissed off at myself. jeesh i piss alot of people off....great way to start a new school year! bnr.

-Sierra Taylor

8/6/11

"Some time's your memories can be your best dreams or your worse Nightmares."


Dear World, 


sorry i have been slacking...just been busy. You ever sit down and all you see is little tiny ants moving all around you? and then you smush them with your finger. it's sort of sad don't you think? ending the life of a helpless little ant. unlike most people i don't smush them...sometimes i let them crawl on me and then take them to their ant pile... how could people end lives of helpless creatures...


I danced in the rain yesterday. played volleyball in the rain. and had this like weird romantic thing happen haha. me and this guy just so happened to run up to each other in the rain and hug. idk it just gave me those butterfly thingys...haha


but i'm gonna try to not fall for anyone.. i am deff scared. scared of getting hurt and trusting people...it's a big problem...and idk how im going to solve it...


so Dear Tin-Man, do you still need a heart? you can have mine. I don't need it anymore. 


-Sierra

8/3/11

"now let me tell you about the good life, i have a million different kinds of fun. when im asleep and in a dream that i'm your only one. can we create something beautiful, and destroy it? nobody knows i dream about it, this is my imagination."

Dear World,

i feel like an elephant has just sat down on my chest. and i keep trying to push it off...but with no luck of it moving. Why are people so mean? I'm sorry that im honest with everyone....that's how i am. i don't lie to people.  I'm sorry you don't like me. it's your loss i guess....i'm not mean....im only mean when im defending myself from getting hurt. i can't get hurt again. you don't know what that would do to me...may possibly be the end of me.

someone telling me i need to go to the hospital...bugs me. ive been to hospitals..okay! im not physcho...im very much sane. i dont understand where that even came from. but it's okay i'll be okay....im not gonna let anyone bother me...especially not right now...

but who knew that honesty would get you hated....i was just trying to be a good friend and help someone...but it's okay. i forgive you. and i hope you forgive me for being honest with you and it upsetting you..im sorry.

Today has just not been my kind of day...

-Sierra

8/2/11

"And if i ever catch the ones who hurt you. I, I'm hoping that God looks away this time."

Dear World,

When someone says "let's just be friends"....there stupid! that's like keeping your dog after it died...who does that? blah.

These scars i have on my wrists and legs...just prove people like you exist. Even if most of my scars have faded and some are barely visible...you'll never understand how hard it is to fight to not do it again and sometimes...you lose that fight. I haven't cut...in awhile...and im proud of that...because there have been so many times where i was about to...but i have to fight myself about that...have some self control...i don't want to end up back in palmetto....trust me. i really don't. but sometimes i just get so sad....and not for no reason...there's plenty of reasons....my dad, my mom always yelling at me, my sister telling me she wants me to die, nick giving up on me and not caring anymore (it's hard because he was ALWAYS there through it all...i always had him to lean on...now i don't), mean people and there rude comments, ect. but i TRY so HARD to not resort to old habits....i do.

Letting go may be a hard thing to do...hell it will probably be one of the most hardest things i do...but im determined to do it. i don't need mean and uncaring people in my life...i really don't. And one day nick will want me, miss me, even love me.....i just won't feel the same way...not ever again.

here's some advice to everybody. Don't love something to much. It will eventually disappoint you.

-Sierra

8/1/11

"Your muscles have a certain memory about them. That's why we can tie are shoes or play piano without looking. But then you spend a long enough time with someone and your bodies memorize each other you know? the warmth of your back, the pace of your heart beat, the way you tickle your eyelashes, the way your fingers would curl up in sequence when i used to play with your palm. Another person is like moving to a new country where you don't know the language. It's a scary thing. You know people are always going on about, you'll find someone else, there's plenty more fish in the sea, well you know what, i feel like a freaking fish in a bucket.... 'cuz you know what...im not doing well life is actually pretty...shit...look at me ive gone this whole page without using the L word once so far...but looking at it objectively, realistically i'd say that i still love you...and im kind of afraid that i won't ever really stop"


Dear World, 


i've had a pretty decent boring day today. woke up for volleyball practice in the a.m. and we had to run a mile first thing......i came in first...yay! i put all my anger from nick...and everything else...into my running...i felt like i had to escape...i was running away from the past. i ran my heart out...i pushed myself so hard because i felt like if i stopped to take a breather or anything....nick would win...my dad would win....i would loose....anyways i almost puked...i dry heaved twice haha but idc it was totally worth it....i feel so good about myself....i haven't felt this way in a long time...i don't even know how long its been since this feeling was here....that's how long it's been. 


i'm trying this new thing where i put myself first...i don't want to get hurt...so yeah im gonna have a wall up...and it won't be coming down easily...im tired of having my heart ripped out of my chest...i hope ill have that one guy one day where he will save me....from this not so normal world. someone i can depend on...i need a super hero.


-Sierra

7/31/11

What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger

Dear World,

well, today i went through one of the most hardest things of my life. not the hardest...just one of them. but im okay. im getting stronger. im trying so hard. and its working. im over it. nick means nothing to me. he's dating kaitlyn. i am done caring. what does he mean to me anymore? nothing. why should i be put through more hurt. just because of some asshole guy? i shouldn't. well atleast i think i shouldn't. I could have been the bigger person about the situation but i didn't want to. i said bump that i want to express myself freely so i hated on kaitlyn and nick. atleast im not going behind people's backs. i say it straight up. and nick if your reading this...leave me alone okay? i don't need you in my life nor do i want you in my life. call me any name you want to..i dare you. i just won't care. what you say means NOTHING to me. your like a blade of grass.....theirs millions of them....i step on alot of them...not all...just alot...and your one of the ones i just stepped on. i hate you. 

I just realized that im happy without you. i was HAPPY when i wasn't talking to you. you know what though...i hope your reading this because i want you to feel the pain i felt when you gave me your spectacular news. you don't even know how i felt. let me just tell you the story of my life today. i went to church....got a stupid text from you saying "im dating kaitlyn now..." i literally ran from church to the bathroom and cried...almost threw up and passed out...i couldn't freakin breathe. fuck you nick. fuck you! but im okay now. you've showed me what your really like. an asshole. a liar. you don't deserve me nick. you don't. i hope you one day realize though that i never lied to you about how i felt about you. you did. 

the only thing that cheered me up today was i went shopping! yay for shopping! it makes everything better. oh and btw nick....i blocked you on facebook/formspring. and your family. i want nothing to do with you. oh and that like necklace you gave me from christmas....from zales....i think im gonna throw it in the ocean. and burn your shirt, cards, gifts. it will most definitely will help. man i sound like a bitch. i am. :]

thanks though...you gave me what i needed...a push from you...so now i can move on so much easier. im already halfway there. maybe even more than halfway! if you ask me if i regret dating you though...i'd say no...you taught me how to love....and now taught me how to stop and let go. so thanks. but you can still go to hell :]

-Sierra

 

7/30/11

Flowers remind me of love...its beautiful but eventually it dies...and all the petals fall off and it is completely not fixable. 

Dear World, 

i take things to personally. not in sports or anything. just life in general. why can't i just brush everything off and not even care. i hurt. i hate when my mom yells at me. i hate the fact my dad won't leave me alone. i hate nick. i hate him. he doesn't care about me so why should i care? i shouldn't..im giving up on everything. because it's all stupid and i can't take it. the feeling i get when he doesn't text back or when he does text back and acts like he doesn't give a pooop about me. that feeling hurts...no lie. but im over it. ha. as if that last statement was even true...i wish it was that easy. ill be okay...someday...

So we all have fears right? whether it comes to heights, bugs, or even fearing fear itself...everyone has atleast one fear.

i don't just have one...i have many. 

My fears:

1. Cockroaches (my biggest fear)

2. Something being under my bed that's going to get me when i sleep. i watched that movie on disney channel as a kid, its called "Don't look under the bed." one of the scariest movies ever when i was a kid.

3. ovens. i hate ovens. i can put stuff in an oven....i just can't take it out...i always burn myself....and thats why i am afraid of ovens

4. Getting pulled over by the cops....hasn't happened to me yet. thank god.

5. Im afraid of being alone in the dark. not like if someone else is in my house....just when it's me and its dark outside....and i always hear some creepy noise...it scares me so i have my bb gun.

6. talking to people....i dont really know what to say...like i just babble on about nothing all the time...because i don't know what to say to anyone.

7. Being unwanted. nuff said. 

8. im afraid that when i look over a cliff edge i will fall...im not scared of heights.....i love rollercoasters. just afraid of falling...i think everybody has that question in the back of their mind "what if i fall?"

9. failing. i hate failing people, in sports, school, anything.....i hate it and it scares me

10. last but not least im afraid that im gonna get up and leave the bathroom but im gonna have toilet paper stuck to my shoes or coming out my pants...like in the movies! 

anyways i just had to blog right now because i was kind of upset. about alot of poop. but the good news is....i made varsity volleyball. word.

-Sierra

7/29/11

Dear World,

My day sucked. woke up at 7 to go to volleyball at 8 till 10 and then my sister had jv volleyball after soo i had to pick her up and then we went to mickey d's. and then i went to the mall and got me free underwear from victoria's secret! yay! i had one of those card thingy's idk i just get free underwear like a boss.

anyways here's 10 facts about me so you can get to know me!
1. i hate dressing up. i hate anything that involves me trying. when i get up for school or anything i dont do anything but take a shower and put a clip in my hair. im lazy..oh well.
2. I'm the worst texter ever. i honestly hate texting...alot of emotional meaning behind words gets lost in a text message. so i think texting is stupid.
3. i really love writing, drawing or anything artsy where i can express myself
4. i don't like to talk about my problems or my emotions...its so awkward
5. my fav place to eat is Taco Bell. its so delecious...idc what taco bell haters say about how the meat is actually cat....i call bull shit on that one....
6. i play xbox. i know a bunch of guys who are like sexist prolly will say im a noob....until i kick their butt. then they worship me and keep sending me friend requests. so if you feel like getting your butt kicked by a girl...invite me to a game :]
7. i am sorta a pac-rat...i have stuff from like kindergarten that i made still....i have every card that was ever given to me....(brithday cards, christmas, easter, ect.)
8. I have weird habits...i bite my nails (gross? yeah i know), i hang everything on my walls that means something to me, oh and when im like playing soccer or volleyball i do this weird thing with my shirt....i like play with it i guess....idk its weird....trust me people tell me all the time.
9. i don't like attention all on me...i feel uncomfortable....im more of stand in the background and if someone talks to me first then ill reply. i just feel uncomfortable if im the one to start a conversation....same with texting. i hate texting for one....but i also hate texting people first! i feel like im annoying them if they don't text back..and that feeling kind of sucks when you know that they are just ignoring you...
10. i don't try to be something that i'm not....you see those people that want to be something that they aren't...for example...let's just say theres people that want people to think of them as a "whore" or a "slut" so they act like one even though they are all virgins and are nothing like a slut....they just don't want to embrace there true selves...and for that..i pity them. people may say im weird but hey at least i know what i am....

different.

-Sierra

7/28/11

Dear World, 


This world is a not so nice place.


let's see...where to begin....how bout i just copy and paste a note that i made on facebook a lil over a week ago...that was sorta like a little online journal entry...i guess. so yeah here it is:

I have been through alot. I tried to kill myself by overdosing. thats what happened. thats why i wasn't at play off soccer game. thats why i wasn't at school for a week. yeah gossip about it i really don’t care anymore. you don’t honestly know what i’ve been through. you don’t. you may say you do but in all truth nobody does. i broke up with the one person who cared. because i was scared. I was so used to having to fend for myself. but that’s not even the real reason. the real reason is the fact that i was hurting him. making him feel bad all the time just because my life sucked. selfish right? yeah. In Jan. my dad told me that he didn’t want me. he told me he had a new life and a new family and he didn’t need me. he told my mom that he would give away all his rights to me just for a decrease in child support. how does that make me feel? worthless. like that rock that everyone has kicked around on the sidewalk on there way home from the bus stop. and im just supposed to get over it? no. instead i resorted to breaking up with the only guy who actually loved me and would do anything for me. because i thought that was what was best for him…i thought he would actually be happy when i was out of the picture. and in order for him to get over me i had to hurt him bad…i went out with a guy that i didn’t even like…but i knew that would hurt him…he hated the guy. so i did what i thought would make nick happy in the end. and it worked…he got over me. and it hurt so much because deep down inside i wish nick would have fought harder for me… he moved on to another girl. i overdosed trying to kill myself and sent him a text…like a suicidal note saying bye basically. and he told my mom. my mom ripped me out of bed and dragged me to the hospital. told me to sign myself in and i said no i didn’t want to be there but she kept yelling and yelling and i couldn’t take it so i tried to run away in a hospital but they trapped me at the snack room. i wouldn’t talk for hours and then this doctor and cop came up behind me and tried to talk to me and i said “fuck you” and then the north charleston police officer said “im a police officer” and i said “i don’t care fuck you too.” it felt so good to let everything out. to not give a shit what anyone said or did and just tell them all to shut up and how you really felt about them. my grandparents came…i have so much respect for them so i would never say anything harsh around them…so then i went with that stupid cop because his bad attempts at trying to get me out and talk to him was getting annoying. its like he never even seen ncis or anything because he definitively didn’t know what he was doing when it came to trying to get people to talk. whatever though. then i spent my night in a hospital. all through the night i had doctors come in and out of my room. i didn’t sleep until around 5 or 6 and i woke up at 8. to find this big black police man standing outside my door with handcuffs. and my mom in my room. she went outside to make a phone call and then that’s when the police officer guy came into my room and told me to get up against the wall….he frisked me and then put this chain tightly around my waist and handcuffed me. i had marks on my wrists for 2 days…i was escorted out the hospital in handcuffs and they didn’t even tell my mom where i was or where i went. they just took me. the police guy told me i was a juvinial delequent ( excuse my bad spelling). i didn’t do anything against the law is what i told him. whatever though he was a douche bag anyway. anyways as i stayed at that hospital over night the judge (yes a real judge) committed me as an inpatient at palmetto behavioral mental health center. palmetto for short. basically i was owned by the government for at least a week. but  i didn’t even know where i was going. they didn’t tell me. i was just in the back of a police car in handcuffs not knowing where i was going or what was going to happen to me. then i arrive at this place palmetto. i memorized the route there so if i ever wanted to runaway i could find my way easily. and its easy for me because i have a photographic memory. once i got to palmetto they sat me in this wooden chair and took my vitals and then assigned me to a room there were about 7 or 8 rooms. im not gonna lie i felt pretty badass when i was in handcuffs and everybody was scared of me…but that all faded when they actually got to know me and knew that i was just a little girl inside. well they told me to go to my room and i was in room 407 (the yellow color room which btw is my least favorite color and i hate it). they told me to undress (well i got to keep my underwear on) but yeah they had to “document everything on my body” like bruises, scares, ect.  well once that was done they left me alone. i stayed in my room in the corner just crying. i was scared. i didn’t know anybody. i didn’t know if anybody even knew where i was. they techs there told me that i had to stay at palmetto for atleast a week because i was committed…by a judge. i wuld have to go to a judge when the week was over to see if i woulld still be committed. but anyways im getting ahead of myself. that day at palmetto was scary/crazy. my roomate rebecca came in and told me about the place….she really helped me. i talked to her about everything. about my whole life…and she listened…well by the end of my first day i knew basically everyone…and they actually weren’t all that bad so it seemed….some of them were normal but some weren’t….on about like my 3rd day there this guy named josh just snapped on me and my roomate…we were laughing at kevin dancing and then josh just started yelling and running towards us calling us “bitches and cunts” ect. and i don’t know how i kept so calm and told becca to just get behind the door…i slammed the door and we had to push because of course the doors don’t have locks (the windows are bullet proof plastic too) and so i was slipping in my rainbows and so i kicked them off. that door was the only thing between me and death…and i was calm. josh wanted to kill me badly….and i don’t even know why. the scary thing is the fact that that whole night he watched me in my room (they were diagonal from each other so i could see into his and he could see into mine) sitting up in his bed just staring….did i sleep at all? no. then the next night this black guy hakeem snuck into my room and stood over me while i slept. luckly my roomate woke up and saw him so he ran back to his room (what is up with the nurses and techs not doing there job? idk. i just didn’t feel safe). the next day my roomate told me what happend and so well i went up to hakeem and asked him why he was standing over me watching me….and his reply was “i wanted to get in the bed with you” i still hear that voice saying that. and for those next 3 whole long days (felt like years) he would not leave me alone….everywhere i sat he wuld pull up a chair. when there was visiting hours he would watch me from across the room and when i went to go to the bathroom he would follow and wait for me outside the door. and when i came back he would go back to his chair and watch me again. all day everyday. and when we played basketball after lunch….he ran his hand up my side up to my boobs….and it scared me…i didn’t know what to do i just walked away and wanted to forget that it ever happened….but ill never forget palmetto and its experiences. like people doing drugs (those people that work at palmetto are so stupid) and giving a guy handjobs…in front of everybody…..yeah. you only got 1 phone call a day. visting hours were only 1 hour long. you were only aloud to take a shower 1 time a day. and the showers weren’t even worth it. your shampoo and conditioner and body wash was all combined into one tiny bottle….and the toothpaste wasn’t even toothpaste…(my moms a dentist). and there were no razors aloud….so i felt so discusting….and then there were no belts aloud or drawstrings in your pants or shorts…and you weren’t aloud to wear a regular bra or makeup or a tank top underneath your clothes….only shirts, and sports bras. you had to do your own laundry….i ended up doing most people’s because they didn’t know what they were doing….there were freak outs everyday…yaya was mostly the one to freak out…she has been at palmetto for about a year and a half…almost two years….and they have to give her a shot….to calm her down instantly….as soon as one person gets out of palmetto another one comes in to fill its place….its so sad. and the sad part is that the only person i wanted to talk to was nick. even though he was the one who told my mom and got me in palmetto…i wasn’t mad at him. i wanted to see him. i wanted to talk to him….and so as soon as i got out of palmetto i talked to him….he wasn’t that enthused to talk to me it so it seemed…and then he told me about kaitlyn….the girl he was hanging out with…kissing….and whatever…..it hurt. im not gonna lie….it killed me inside…i started to feel that same electric shock of pain i felt when my dad broke me. i couldn’t take it….and then i got my phone taken away that weekend because i was “acting psychotic  and suicidal” and i couldn’t take the whole thing about my mom always blaming me for everything and reminding me of “my dad not wanting me or the fact that nick had a new girl and didn’t want me” i resorted to cutting….i cut my wrists and i cut my ankles…i cut my waist…i couldn’t deal with pain….and my anger i felt for so many people. then my mom found out about my cutting cuz a friend told her. my mom told me to pack my bags for palmetto….she was going to drive me there even tho it was about 12:30 at night…i felt so alone. i felt like everyone was against me. i felt like all i had was myself. and that wasn’t much. but eventually with my sucking up behavior i got my stuff back….except my xbox games and headset….which makes me angry. but yeah most stuff is in my possession now. i go to a counsler every week basically because i was comitted by court to be and outpatient so i have to go to therapy till im 18. woop de doo. and then i have to go to some dude that  wants to put me on medicine…and i had to take depression medicine even though im not depressed. seriously? wow. then that dumb booty realized that i am not depressed and so he put me on insomnia medicine….because i don’t sleep. at all. and i still don’t even though i take this dumb medicine. whatevs. well anyways me and nick are a nogo. one of my friends texted me telling me they wish they were dead and that about felt like an elephant sitting on me….and i couldn’t take away the pain. i had an anxiety attack. ive had many and they are not fun it feels like you can’t breathe….at all… well yeah nick doesn’t feel anything for me…sucks….big time but i mean one day ill be over him right? i hope so….i don’t want to feel like i cant please him or my dad or anybody else for that matter….because the feeling sucks….all i wanted was my dad to approve of me…to want me….and i can’t have that…..well i can but im not gonna put myself in hurt again…..my dad calls me selfish all the time because i dont accept his stupid appologies…appologies aren’t enough for me….i won’t ever let him back in….i don’t even know if i can let other people in. and i need to get over nick…but its hard i keep finding myself going back to him…i know if i can get over him i would be able to call myself strong…..because right now im not strong i am so weak…i cry even tho i try to hold it back….because im weak. not strong. weak. it doesn’t help when i have people constantly pushing me down and wanting me to die or go back to palmetto….that really sucks…i just really wish i could go back to how my life use to be….before everything took a wrong turn…nobody really understands me….i guess im just weird to all of you people…why do you think i dont hang or talk to many girls? because all they do is talk behind each others backs…and i dont need people like that in my life. i need someone i can depend on and talk to…actually talk to and them listen. and honestly theres not many people that i can say i can do that with…its okay i just dont want anybody to feel bad for me because i need your pity…im perfectly fine. i just thought you should know me before you go and judge me. im a bitch, negative and all this stuff because ive changed…everybody has changed. some for the good and some for the bad…i guess mine was for the bad? i really don’t know…im going to be honest i put up the tough front for everybody. i dont want people to get in past the wall ive built up for my heart. im still trying to fix it….and trust me it’s a hell of a job. so before you people go and judge me and say shit about me think about what its like to be me. think about what its like to be anybody…nobody should just be going around judging and saying mean things about everybody. we’ve all done it. even me. even if you didn’t mean to or if you didn’t know you did it… we ALL have judged people. it reallly just needs to stop and people just need to mind there own business and focus on there selves. it would make the world a different place. i know nobody will probably read this but i just had to let it all out. its called a coping skill. learn it.

-sierra taylor

anyways i know this blog is kind of long but um yeah....today is july 28, 2011....this year hasn't gotten at all better. I still struggle daily but im copeing...(however you spell it). yesterday was my birthday. Nick didn't even care...didn't send even a text message when he said he would...no happy birthday for me. he doesn't care anymore and it's sad. sad to watch and sad to feel unwanted again. but i guess i deserve it for what i did to him. i guess i just wasn't right for him. the feelings aren't mutual anymore...and im not going to lie...it sucks...really really bad. like nobody knows how it truly feels to be me. the fuckup. the one who just messes everything up but people think i am so strong and perfect....the truth is im weak. im emotional. i try my best at everything i do because i want people to be pleased by me. i want to make everybody happy. i do. but the thing is...i don't make myself happy. and all you people that like hate me...well that sucks...that just means you don't really know me...im not a whore. im still a virgin. i dont smoke, i dont drink i dont do drugs...im a good girl like fo realz because i follow rules alot... that's how ive always been....so just leave me alone with all these negative messages and all i get saying i got an abortion while i was gone for that week...stupid shit like that hurts people. watch that movie cyber bully. its actually my life story in a movie....exactly except i dont have a younger brother just a younger sister. whatever. 

i guess im gonna end this blog thing. ill do a blog everyday from now on...well try to at least...

-Sierra