7/28/11

Dear World, 


This world is a not so nice place.


let's see...where to begin....how bout i just copy and paste a note that i made on facebook a lil over a week ago...that was sorta like a little online journal entry...i guess. so yeah here it is:

I have been through alot. I tried to kill myself by overdosing. thats what happened. thats why i wasn't at play off soccer game. thats why i wasn't at school for a week. yeah gossip about it i really don’t care anymore. you don’t honestly know what i’ve been through. you don’t. you may say you do but in all truth nobody does. i broke up with the one person who cared. because i was scared. I was so used to having to fend for myself. but that’s not even the real reason. the real reason is the fact that i was hurting him. making him feel bad all the time just because my life sucked. selfish right? yeah. In Jan. my dad told me that he didn’t want me. he told me he had a new life and a new family and he didn’t need me. he told my mom that he would give away all his rights to me just for a decrease in child support. how does that make me feel? worthless. like that rock that everyone has kicked around on the sidewalk on there way home from the bus stop. and im just supposed to get over it? no. instead i resorted to breaking up with the only guy who actually loved me and would do anything for me. because i thought that was what was best for him…i thought he would actually be happy when i was out of the picture. and in order for him to get over me i had to hurt him bad…i went out with a guy that i didn’t even like…but i knew that would hurt him…he hated the guy. so i did what i thought would make nick happy in the end. and it worked…he got over me. and it hurt so much because deep down inside i wish nick would have fought harder for me… he moved on to another girl. i overdosed trying to kill myself and sent him a text…like a suicidal note saying bye basically. and he told my mom. my mom ripped me out of bed and dragged me to the hospital. told me to sign myself in and i said no i didn’t want to be there but she kept yelling and yelling and i couldn’t take it so i tried to run away in a hospital but they trapped me at the snack room. i wouldn’t talk for hours and then this doctor and cop came up behind me and tried to talk to me and i said “fuck you” and then the north charleston police officer said “im a police officer” and i said “i don’t care fuck you too.” it felt so good to let everything out. to not give a shit what anyone said or did and just tell them all to shut up and how you really felt about them. my grandparents came…i have so much respect for them so i would never say anything harsh around them…so then i went with that stupid cop because his bad attempts at trying to get me out and talk to him was getting annoying. its like he never even seen ncis or anything because he definitively didn’t know what he was doing when it came to trying to get people to talk. whatever though. then i spent my night in a hospital. all through the night i had doctors come in and out of my room. i didn’t sleep until around 5 or 6 and i woke up at 8. to find this big black police man standing outside my door with handcuffs. and my mom in my room. she went outside to make a phone call and then that’s when the police officer guy came into my room and told me to get up against the wall….he frisked me and then put this chain tightly around my waist and handcuffed me. i had marks on my wrists for 2 days…i was escorted out the hospital in handcuffs and they didn’t even tell my mom where i was or where i went. they just took me. the police guy told me i was a juvinial delequent ( excuse my bad spelling). i didn’t do anything against the law is what i told him. whatever though he was a douche bag anyway. anyways as i stayed at that hospital over night the judge (yes a real judge) committed me as an inpatient at palmetto behavioral mental health center. palmetto for short. basically i was owned by the government for at least a week. but  i didn’t even know where i was going. they didn’t tell me. i was just in the back of a police car in handcuffs not knowing where i was going or what was going to happen to me. then i arrive at this place palmetto. i memorized the route there so if i ever wanted to runaway i could find my way easily. and its easy for me because i have a photographic memory. once i got to palmetto they sat me in this wooden chair and took my vitals and then assigned me to a room there were about 7 or 8 rooms. im not gonna lie i felt pretty badass when i was in handcuffs and everybody was scared of me…but that all faded when they actually got to know me and knew that i was just a little girl inside. well they told me to go to my room and i was in room 407 (the yellow color room which btw is my least favorite color and i hate it). they told me to undress (well i got to keep my underwear on) but yeah they had to “document everything on my body” like bruises, scares, ect.  well once that was done they left me alone. i stayed in my room in the corner just crying. i was scared. i didn’t know anybody. i didn’t know if anybody even knew where i was. they techs there told me that i had to stay at palmetto for atleast a week because i was committed…by a judge. i wuld have to go to a judge when the week was over to see if i woulld still be committed. but anyways im getting ahead of myself. that day at palmetto was scary/crazy. my roomate rebecca came in and told me about the place….she really helped me. i talked to her about everything. about my whole life…and she listened…well by the end of my first day i knew basically everyone…and they actually weren’t all that bad so it seemed….some of them were normal but some weren’t….on about like my 3rd day there this guy named josh just snapped on me and my roomate…we were laughing at kevin dancing and then josh just started yelling and running towards us calling us “bitches and cunts” ect. and i don’t know how i kept so calm and told becca to just get behind the door…i slammed the door and we had to push because of course the doors don’t have locks (the windows are bullet proof plastic too) and so i was slipping in my rainbows and so i kicked them off. that door was the only thing between me and death…and i was calm. josh wanted to kill me badly….and i don’t even know why. the scary thing is the fact that that whole night he watched me in my room (they were diagonal from each other so i could see into his and he could see into mine) sitting up in his bed just staring….did i sleep at all? no. then the next night this black guy hakeem snuck into my room and stood over me while i slept. luckly my roomate woke up and saw him so he ran back to his room (what is up with the nurses and techs not doing there job? idk. i just didn’t feel safe). the next day my roomate told me what happend and so well i went up to hakeem and asked him why he was standing over me watching me….and his reply was “i wanted to get in the bed with you” i still hear that voice saying that. and for those next 3 whole long days (felt like years) he would not leave me alone….everywhere i sat he wuld pull up a chair. when there was visiting hours he would watch me from across the room and when i went to go to the bathroom he would follow and wait for me outside the door. and when i came back he would go back to his chair and watch me again. all day everyday. and when we played basketball after lunch….he ran his hand up my side up to my boobs….and it scared me…i didn’t know what to do i just walked away and wanted to forget that it ever happened….but ill never forget palmetto and its experiences. like people doing drugs (those people that work at palmetto are so stupid) and giving a guy handjobs…in front of everybody…..yeah. you only got 1 phone call a day. visting hours were only 1 hour long. you were only aloud to take a shower 1 time a day. and the showers weren’t even worth it. your shampoo and conditioner and body wash was all combined into one tiny bottle….and the toothpaste wasn’t even toothpaste…(my moms a dentist). and there were no razors aloud….so i felt so discusting….and then there were no belts aloud or drawstrings in your pants or shorts…and you weren’t aloud to wear a regular bra or makeup or a tank top underneath your clothes….only shirts, and sports bras. you had to do your own laundry….i ended up doing most people’s because they didn’t know what they were doing….there were freak outs everyday…yaya was mostly the one to freak out…she has been at palmetto for about a year and a half…almost two years….and they have to give her a shot….to calm her down instantly….as soon as one person gets out of palmetto another one comes in to fill its place….its so sad. and the sad part is that the only person i wanted to talk to was nick. even though he was the one who told my mom and got me in palmetto…i wasn’t mad at him. i wanted to see him. i wanted to talk to him….and so as soon as i got out of palmetto i talked to him….he wasn’t that enthused to talk to me it so it seemed…and then he told me about kaitlyn….the girl he was hanging out with…kissing….and whatever…..it hurt. im not gonna lie….it killed me inside…i started to feel that same electric shock of pain i felt when my dad broke me. i couldn’t take it….and then i got my phone taken away that weekend because i was “acting psychotic  and suicidal” and i couldn’t take the whole thing about my mom always blaming me for everything and reminding me of “my dad not wanting me or the fact that nick had a new girl and didn’t want me” i resorted to cutting….i cut my wrists and i cut my ankles…i cut my waist…i couldn’t deal with pain….and my anger i felt for so many people. then my mom found out about my cutting cuz a friend told her. my mom told me to pack my bags for palmetto….she was going to drive me there even tho it was about 12:30 at night…i felt so alone. i felt like everyone was against me. i felt like all i had was myself. and that wasn’t much. but eventually with my sucking up behavior i got my stuff back….except my xbox games and headset….which makes me angry. but yeah most stuff is in my possession now. i go to a counsler every week basically because i was comitted by court to be and outpatient so i have to go to therapy till im 18. woop de doo. and then i have to go to some dude that  wants to put me on medicine…and i had to take depression medicine even though im not depressed. seriously? wow. then that dumb booty realized that i am not depressed and so he put me on insomnia medicine….because i don’t sleep. at all. and i still don’t even though i take this dumb medicine. whatevs. well anyways me and nick are a nogo. one of my friends texted me telling me they wish they were dead and that about felt like an elephant sitting on me….and i couldn’t take away the pain. i had an anxiety attack. ive had many and they are not fun it feels like you can’t breathe….at all… well yeah nick doesn’t feel anything for me…sucks….big time but i mean one day ill be over him right? i hope so….i don’t want to feel like i cant please him or my dad or anybody else for that matter….because the feeling sucks….all i wanted was my dad to approve of me…to want me….and i can’t have that…..well i can but im not gonna put myself in hurt again…..my dad calls me selfish all the time because i dont accept his stupid appologies…appologies aren’t enough for me….i won’t ever let him back in….i don’t even know if i can let other people in. and i need to get over nick…but its hard i keep finding myself going back to him…i know if i can get over him i would be able to call myself strong…..because right now im not strong i am so weak…i cry even tho i try to hold it back….because im weak. not strong. weak. it doesn’t help when i have people constantly pushing me down and wanting me to die or go back to palmetto….that really sucks…i just really wish i could go back to how my life use to be….before everything took a wrong turn…nobody really understands me….i guess im just weird to all of you people…why do you think i dont hang or talk to many girls? because all they do is talk behind each others backs…and i dont need people like that in my life. i need someone i can depend on and talk to…actually talk to and them listen. and honestly theres not many people that i can say i can do that with…its okay i just dont want anybody to feel bad for me because i need your pity…im perfectly fine. i just thought you should know me before you go and judge me. im a bitch, negative and all this stuff because ive changed…everybody has changed. some for the good and some for the bad…i guess mine was for the bad? i really don’t know…im going to be honest i put up the tough front for everybody. i dont want people to get in past the wall ive built up for my heart. im still trying to fix it….and trust me it’s a hell of a job. so before you people go and judge me and say shit about me think about what its like to be me. think about what its like to be anybody…nobody should just be going around judging and saying mean things about everybody. we’ve all done it. even me. even if you didn’t mean to or if you didn’t know you did it… we ALL have judged people. it reallly just needs to stop and people just need to mind there own business and focus on there selves. it would make the world a different place. i know nobody will probably read this but i just had to let it all out. its called a coping skill. learn it.

-sierra taylor

anyways i know this blog is kind of long but um yeah....today is july 28, 2011....this year hasn't gotten at all better. I still struggle daily but im copeing...(however you spell it). yesterday was my birthday. Nick didn't even care...didn't send even a text message when he said he would...no happy birthday for me. he doesn't care anymore and it's sad. sad to watch and sad to feel unwanted again. but i guess i deserve it for what i did to him. i guess i just wasn't right for him. the feelings aren't mutual anymore...and im not going to lie...it sucks...really really bad. like nobody knows how it truly feels to be me. the fuckup. the one who just messes everything up but people think i am so strong and perfect....the truth is im weak. im emotional. i try my best at everything i do because i want people to be pleased by me. i want to make everybody happy. i do. but the thing is...i don't make myself happy. and all you people that like hate me...well that sucks...that just means you don't really know me...im not a whore. im still a virgin. i dont smoke, i dont drink i dont do drugs...im a good girl like fo realz because i follow rules alot... that's how ive always been....so just leave me alone with all these negative messages and all i get saying i got an abortion while i was gone for that week...stupid shit like that hurts people. watch that movie cyber bully. its actually my life story in a movie....exactly except i dont have a younger brother just a younger sister. whatever. 

i guess im gonna end this blog thing. ill do a blog everyday from now on...well try to at least...

-Sierra