8/17/11

"what would it take for things to be quiet? quiet, like the snow. and i know this isn't much, but  i know, i could, i could be better. i don't think i deserve it. selflessness. find your way into my heart. all stars could be brighter. all hearts could be warmer."

Dear world,

Why is it that when things finally get better or even a tad bit better it ends up ten times worst than it originally was in the first place. like what do i have to do to actually get something good to last. i mean yeah i guess i blame myself for all the things ive missed out on....and ruined....it has always been my fault....i don't try to ruin things...it just sort of happens. and im not gonna lie i wish i could punch myself for what i do to ruin everything. i do it without even trying...thats how skilled in the art of ruining things, i am. its like a freakin hobby for me. ugh. a bad bad habit...that i want to get rid of! seriously!

today has been a really really truly terrible day for me. you don't even care, most likely so just stop reading now because all im going to do is rant about how terrible my life is..yada yada yada ya... well i got to school super early! yuck! i thought the traffic was going to be terrible like it was tuesday but noooo it wasn't :O so i got to school at like 8:16...school doesn't even start till like 8:35ish. idk. all i know is that i was early. then i went to my first class..downstairs for forensics....btw im the only non senior in that class....holy awkwardness. i don't know like anybody but maybe one person because they live near me...but that's it. so it sucks and i hate it. and then my second period class is english....its actually pretty decent...boring..but decent. then i go back downstairs again for chemistry...and that class is fun haha we laugh alot so it keeps me in a decent mood....then i go back upstairs for history...i wish i could switch out...it's soooo awkward sitting next to a person that doesn't even acknowledge your their (well chooses to not acknowledge you anyway)...because i mean i guess we "talked" over summer...but idk. oh well. then i have freaking lunch..so history is split....okay i hate having lunch at like 12:45 or whatever...my stomach is already growling in 2nd period...its hard to last allllll that time. anyways for lunch.....there  is NOONE. only freshman. seriously? you have got to be kidding me. this is already sucking alot....why not make it suck even more by having all freshman in my lunch....theres like nobody i know...i sit with like 3 people...lol i'm such a loner. i need friends. anyways i go back to history...still being ignored and ish and it starts to piss me the poop off...so i bolt out of the classroom trying to catch up with the ignorer but their long gone downstairs...what the poop? anyways then i go to tv video production 1 (even though i took it last year!!! the school had nothing else to give me and didn't want to give me early out...those bastards). so i just sit there and im like the teacher's assistant...it sucks! but after that class is over i like run to my car....my escape from hell. and then i have to drive out of hell into another hell...the other side of the school hahaha but its more like heaven.....kinda because i have no classes over there and the gym and soccer field is over there. ha. but i go to the gym and you know get ready for volleyball and all and i am doing great and then it's like 6 and practice doesn't get out till 6:30 and i was just like getting super duper annoyed at everything. i was tired. every muscle in my body hurt. i jammed my finger. and all i could think about was my ignorer and how they just make it look easy to not acknowledge me. trust me. it pisses you off. where you just want to throw your pencil at them...i contemplated it twice...don't judge me. haha i also wrote two notes...but i didn't have the balls to give it to them...oh well. anyways i made a really terrible play at practice and i couldn't take it....i couldn't get over it...i had so much on my mind and i was so pissed i had to walk it off...so of course my coach yelled at me....and louded me out..i deserved it..i shouldn't let frustrations get to me on the court...im better than that. but now im pissed cause i know...my playing time is  at a zero for the way i acted today...which doesn't make me happy at all. more sad and pissed off at myself. jeesh i piss alot of people off....great way to start a new school year! bnr.

-Sierra Taylor

8/6/11

"Some time's your memories can be your best dreams or your worse Nightmares."


Dear World, 


sorry i have been slacking...just been busy. You ever sit down and all you see is little tiny ants moving all around you? and then you smush them with your finger. it's sort of sad don't you think? ending the life of a helpless little ant. unlike most people i don't smush them...sometimes i let them crawl on me and then take them to their ant pile... how could people end lives of helpless creatures...


I danced in the rain yesterday. played volleyball in the rain. and had this like weird romantic thing happen haha. me and this guy just so happened to run up to each other in the rain and hug. idk it just gave me those butterfly thingys...haha


but i'm gonna try to not fall for anyone.. i am deff scared. scared of getting hurt and trusting people...it's a big problem...and idk how im going to solve it...


so Dear Tin-Man, do you still need a heart? you can have mine. I don't need it anymore. 


-Sierra

8/3/11

"now let me tell you about the good life, i have a million different kinds of fun. when im asleep and in a dream that i'm your only one. can we create something beautiful, and destroy it? nobody knows i dream about it, this is my imagination."

Dear World,

i feel like an elephant has just sat down on my chest. and i keep trying to push it off...but with no luck of it moving. Why are people so mean? I'm sorry that im honest with everyone....that's how i am. i don't lie to people.  I'm sorry you don't like me. it's your loss i guess....i'm not mean....im only mean when im defending myself from getting hurt. i can't get hurt again. you don't know what that would do to me...may possibly be the end of me.

someone telling me i need to go to the hospital...bugs me. ive been to hospitals..okay! im not physcho...im very much sane. i dont understand where that even came from. but it's okay i'll be okay....im not gonna let anyone bother me...especially not right now...

but who knew that honesty would get you hated....i was just trying to be a good friend and help someone...but it's okay. i forgive you. and i hope you forgive me for being honest with you and it upsetting you..im sorry.

Today has just not been my kind of day...

-Sierra

8/2/11

"And if i ever catch the ones who hurt you. I, I'm hoping that God looks away this time."

Dear World,

When someone says "let's just be friends"....there stupid! that's like keeping your dog after it died...who does that? blah.

These scars i have on my wrists and legs...just prove people like you exist. Even if most of my scars have faded and some are barely visible...you'll never understand how hard it is to fight to not do it again and sometimes...you lose that fight. I haven't cut...in awhile...and im proud of that...because there have been so many times where i was about to...but i have to fight myself about that...have some self control...i don't want to end up back in palmetto....trust me. i really don't. but sometimes i just get so sad....and not for no reason...there's plenty of reasons....my dad, my mom always yelling at me, my sister telling me she wants me to die, nick giving up on me and not caring anymore (it's hard because he was ALWAYS there through it all...i always had him to lean on...now i don't), mean people and there rude comments, ect. but i TRY so HARD to not resort to old habits....i do.

Letting go may be a hard thing to do...hell it will probably be one of the most hardest things i do...but im determined to do it. i don't need mean and uncaring people in my life...i really don't. And one day nick will want me, miss me, even love me.....i just won't feel the same way...not ever again.

here's some advice to everybody. Don't love something to much. It will eventually disappoint you.

-Sierra

8/1/11

"Your muscles have a certain memory about them. That's why we can tie are shoes or play piano without looking. But then you spend a long enough time with someone and your bodies memorize each other you know? the warmth of your back, the pace of your heart beat, the way you tickle your eyelashes, the way your fingers would curl up in sequence when i used to play with your palm. Another person is like moving to a new country where you don't know the language. It's a scary thing. You know people are always going on about, you'll find someone else, there's plenty more fish in the sea, well you know what, i feel like a freaking fish in a bucket.... 'cuz you know what...im not doing well life is actually pretty...shit...look at me ive gone this whole page without using the L word once so far...but looking at it objectively, realistically i'd say that i still love you...and im kind of afraid that i won't ever really stop"


Dear World, 


i've had a pretty decent boring day today. woke up for volleyball practice in the a.m. and we had to run a mile first thing......i came in first...yay! i put all my anger from nick...and everything else...into my running...i felt like i had to escape...i was running away from the past. i ran my heart out...i pushed myself so hard because i felt like if i stopped to take a breather or anything....nick would win...my dad would win....i would loose....anyways i almost puked...i dry heaved twice haha but idc it was totally worth it....i feel so good about myself....i haven't felt this way in a long time...i don't even know how long its been since this feeling was here....that's how long it's been. 


i'm trying this new thing where i put myself first...i don't want to get hurt...so yeah im gonna have a wall up...and it won't be coming down easily...im tired of having my heart ripped out of my chest...i hope ill have that one guy one day where he will save me....from this not so normal world. someone i can depend on...i need a super hero.


-Sierra

7/31/11

What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger

Dear World,

well, today i went through one of the most hardest things of my life. not the hardest...just one of them. but im okay. im getting stronger. im trying so hard. and its working. im over it. nick means nothing to me. he's dating kaitlyn. i am done caring. what does he mean to me anymore? nothing. why should i be put through more hurt. just because of some asshole guy? i shouldn't. well atleast i think i shouldn't. I could have been the bigger person about the situation but i didn't want to. i said bump that i want to express myself freely so i hated on kaitlyn and nick. atleast im not going behind people's backs. i say it straight up. and nick if your reading this...leave me alone okay? i don't need you in my life nor do i want you in my life. call me any name you want to..i dare you. i just won't care. what you say means NOTHING to me. your like a blade of grass.....theirs millions of them....i step on alot of them...not all...just alot...and your one of the ones i just stepped on. i hate you. 

I just realized that im happy without you. i was HAPPY when i wasn't talking to you. you know what though...i hope your reading this because i want you to feel the pain i felt when you gave me your spectacular news. you don't even know how i felt. let me just tell you the story of my life today. i went to church....got a stupid text from you saying "im dating kaitlyn now..." i literally ran from church to the bathroom and cried...almost threw up and passed out...i couldn't freakin breathe. fuck you nick. fuck you! but im okay now. you've showed me what your really like. an asshole. a liar. you don't deserve me nick. you don't. i hope you one day realize though that i never lied to you about how i felt about you. you did. 

the only thing that cheered me up today was i went shopping! yay for shopping! it makes everything better. oh and btw nick....i blocked you on facebook/formspring. and your family. i want nothing to do with you. oh and that like necklace you gave me from christmas....from zales....i think im gonna throw it in the ocean. and burn your shirt, cards, gifts. it will most definitely will help. man i sound like a bitch. i am. :]

thanks though...you gave me what i needed...a push from you...so now i can move on so much easier. im already halfway there. maybe even more than halfway! if you ask me if i regret dating you though...i'd say no...you taught me how to love....and now taught me how to stop and let go. so thanks. but you can still go to hell :]

-Sierra

 

7/30/11

Flowers remind me of love...its beautiful but eventually it dies...and all the petals fall off and it is completely not fixable. 

Dear World, 

i take things to personally. not in sports or anything. just life in general. why can't i just brush everything off and not even care. i hurt. i hate when my mom yells at me. i hate the fact my dad won't leave me alone. i hate nick. i hate him. he doesn't care about me so why should i care? i shouldn't..im giving up on everything. because it's all stupid and i can't take it. the feeling i get when he doesn't text back or when he does text back and acts like he doesn't give a pooop about me. that feeling hurts...no lie. but im over it. ha. as if that last statement was even true...i wish it was that easy. ill be okay...someday...

So we all have fears right? whether it comes to heights, bugs, or even fearing fear itself...everyone has atleast one fear.

i don't just have one...i have many. 

My fears:

1. Cockroaches (my biggest fear)

2. Something being under my bed that's going to get me when i sleep. i watched that movie on disney channel as a kid, its called "Don't look under the bed." one of the scariest movies ever when i was a kid.

3. ovens. i hate ovens. i can put stuff in an oven....i just can't take it out...i always burn myself....and thats why i am afraid of ovens

4. Getting pulled over by the cops....hasn't happened to me yet. thank god.

5. Im afraid of being alone in the dark. not like if someone else is in my house....just when it's me and its dark outside....and i always hear some creepy noise...it scares me so i have my bb gun.

6. talking to people....i dont really know what to say...like i just babble on about nothing all the time...because i don't know what to say to anyone.

7. Being unwanted. nuff said. 

8. im afraid that when i look over a cliff edge i will fall...im not scared of heights.....i love rollercoasters. just afraid of falling...i think everybody has that question in the back of their mind "what if i fall?"

9. failing. i hate failing people, in sports, school, anything.....i hate it and it scares me

10. last but not least im afraid that im gonna get up and leave the bathroom but im gonna have toilet paper stuck to my shoes or coming out my pants...like in the movies! 

anyways i just had to blog right now because i was kind of upset. about alot of poop. but the good news is....i made varsity volleyball. word.

-Sierra